I feel my anxiety sitting infront of my heart. 

And I am just waiting for it to stand on my rib cage and beat on its chest like it’s won me over. 

So I can battle it again-

interlocking it with my bones and grating it to be just enough dust that when it rises up again— it will be as small as it makes me out to be. 

Advertisements

Happy Birthday to my little sister and every Brown and Black little girl reading this.

I want all of you to see that you are more than capable of completing every single thing you write down in your planner, take note of as your goals, fight for in your everyday life, and strive to complete. You are more than capable to conquer everything even beyond that.

You are smart. No matter what anyone tells you, you are intelligent. Your mind is filled with colors, your thoughts add sparkle, and your dreams put forth the most incomparable magic that shines through the shade of your skin. Your Black is beautiful.

You are beautiful. And although there will be days where you won’t love how the curls fall on your face, how your skin carries your ancestors, and how your curves hold your resilience, through every corner, crack, or whichever ways oppression tries to sneak its way in, you are beautiful. And I need for you to recognize this not only when you look in the mirror, but when you tell yourself that what others are saying are not true. When you notice the lack of representation on your tv screen, hear the rhetoric from the community around you, and taste the sour feeling of someone who carries hate in their heart as they look your way:

You are meant to be here. And no matter how much this world tries to shrink you, pull you apart, or erase you– you are meant to be here.

 

And I can’t wait to wish you a happy birthday again.

 

 

Those Are Just Days

I think everything just hit me all at once. I am leaving. I am no longer an undergraduate student, I am officially a graduate student paving my way to my success whichever way I measure it. Although I can completely look back and see all of the hard parts of my past four years, those hard parts wouldn’t have toughened me up for the rest of the world that I have been begging to see since I was a Black girl unable to really understand why some parts of the United States really just aren’t safe for someone who wears this color on their skin. Creating myself has been one of the most rewarding but completely tiring things I have done and it simply is not over yet. I have so much more to do, so much more to offer, and so much more to change… and not only for other people, but for myself as well.

Something valuable about self-reflection is the ability to know when you have checked off something huge in your life. If you can recognize the hurdles you have jumped, the wounds that you thought were never going away healed, and even though there are some days where it feels like you maybe took 15 steps back in your journey to recovery or happiness—those are just days. You have the ability to make it farther, you have made it this far.

I took the world around me for granted. And although I am speaking about the items I have, the roof over my head, and the clothes on my back, I am also speaking about those who have taken the time out of their day to show me they care. Whether that was through a small gesture, an “I hope you feel better!” text, a “do you need help with…?”  question, those were all small moments of pure love.

I just got back from dinner with two amazing people in my life. People that I can honestly say I would never want anything to happen to our friendships moving forward. After they had left, I began to really think about those who I allow into my life and how I could not understand what I had done in my past life to have gotten so lucky. Not everyone has the chance to meet people who would walk you through a breathing exercise on the day of closing when your anxiety decided to flare up. Not everyone has the chance to meet people who would offer to drive to your school and help you move things home then pick up your belongings and drive to your new home that is 6+ hours away. Not everyone has the chance to meet people who would remind you what you deserve when you come crashing into their room at 1:00AM and don’t know what to do with yourself. Not everyone has the chance to meet people who wipe your tears and allow you to take a moment on the days you know you have far too much to do but you’re stability shakes and cracks whenever you pick up your pen and pack your bag. Not everyone has the chance to meet people who speak highly of you to the friends they made at their institution. Not everyone has the chance to meet people who would let you just vent about anything and everything—even if you did feel as though it was a stupid thing to vent about. What matters is that they listen. These people make you feel as though you are listened to, you are understood, your feelings are valid, you are more than capable, and you are enough. These are the people who I want to be surrounded by every single day. These are the people I want to thank.

I spent the last blog reaching out to those who tried to fold me back into myself. The people who ached for my weakness and grinned when they learned what would hurt me. But this is for the ones who remind me on my darkest days that the light will return shortly. That even though it is dark now, I have always fought and climbed my way out of it and that I should be proud of that. That I am more than I thought I ever would be and I need to start owning that. That people who truly care for you will always make sure that they show you they do.

This one is for you.

I want to say thank you to those who allowed me to be completely vulnerable. Who chose to support me while I put myself back together which, on some days, felt almost impossible. Those who chose to deny the hatred that floods the media for “people like me,” and created their own sparkling views to envision me as someone who deserves to speak, who deserves to smile, who deserves to learn, and who deserves to live. I want to say thank you because although we are all busy, tending to our lives, hopefully taking moments of rest to reassure ourselves that that too is an essential part of progress towards success and happiness—you are the people who I want to spend the rest of my life with. You have no idea what you all have done for me and a blog post won’t show that, nor will any amount of thank you’s come close to the amount of gratitude and immense amount of tear jerking love I have for everything you are. The type of love you have given me in these past four years (and some of you reading this, my whole entire life) I hope I am giving it back to you. And if I have failed in doing that in one way or another, this is me taking the moment to let you know that I love you, that I care for you, and I appreciate you. The type of support, love, care, and positive energy is what I want to give to others for the rest of my life—if I can help people feel how I feel right now: loved, empowered, appreciated, cared for, understood, and at ease— at least one person, I will know I have done enough. Thank you for helping me understand that the days I feel as though I have shrunk to the last drop of resilience I have left, that there is a whole glass waiting for me tomorrow. Those are just days and I have the ability to try again.

And so do you. 

And I Will Be Your Biggest Fan

Whether it was in high school when these girls made a fake Instagram page about me – to college where I ultimately just trusted the wrong people, lost respect for those who chose to change others views of me, and were smiling in my face one minute and saying reckless things the next, thank you.

Truly, I mean this, thank you. And if you’re reading this and get a sense of heat that comes over your body, maybe that you feel guilty. I am not asking for you to feel this way. This isn’t meant to be sarcastic nor facetious. It is because of you and the support I got along the way, that I am where I am today.

It is because of the girl in elementary school who called me names, yelled about how the darkness I wear on my skin was everything but gorgeous, and made fun of how I look at recess that I choose to make it my mission to ensure brown/black people feel beautiful (I do this loudly).

It is because of the girls in middle school who used to exclude me from their conversations and ignore what I had to say because I wasn’t “pretty enough” that I demand my voice to be heard as well as many other marginalized groups in our nation (I do this loudly).

It is because of the boys in high school who played lacrosse, basketball, football, and etc.. who indirectly almost always made me feel less than,  that I directly tell girls growing up that the approval of boys is not of their concern during this time in their lives. It is okay if you are not dating or if you do not have a partner. You are in this time to create and discover who you are, to pass your tests, to turn in your homework, and to make it to high school (I do this loudly).

It is because of the girls in high school who told me I looked like a troll (and the boy who laughed about agreeing with it), made fun of my body type which led me to questioning my eating habits, attacked my way of speaking, slandered my name when I wasn’t present, and told me I would not amount to anything that I tell those around me to have a thick skin- but understand that it is okay to talk to someone. It is okay to be vulnerable to someone. It is okay to cry. Therapy, self-reflection, a chance to forgive those who have put shackles around your wrists of confidence, tied you to your insecurities, and lit a fire underneath your chance to even smile at yourself in the mirror and convince yourself that what they are saying is not true… is necessary. Do not forgive those people for them, you owe them nothing. Forgive those people for you.

It is because of the girls in college who made me feel as though “Black” was a bad word, the girl who made me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough to be introduced to all of her friends, the boys in college who tried to define me as just a body, the boy in college who told others that I just “get everything,” unknowing of the times I had to find a way to make sure I could eat dinner on most nights, carry my emotional stability on my back, and try not to unfold at the wreckage that alcoholism, separation, addiction,  and DCF had created. If I got everything, I would have had a childhood.

It’s because of these experiences, these words people shamelessly toss around whether it was cause of anger, hurt, jealousy, or you just did not like me, that I fight for those who endure(d) the same things I did. It is why I choose to work with students to make sure that they know their past does not control their future. That the mistakes they made, the people who hurt them, the wrong people they let into their lives, the harsh words said to them or about them, the humanity people would strip them of day in and day out, will not conquer them.

Granted, I own up to things I have done in my past. Hurt people, hurt people. Please read that again. Hurt people, hurt people. Once I had heard that, once I really understood that, and once I had realized I had lived that—it only put things into perspective for me.

Being in a marginalized community, you already have society trying to convince you that you do not belong and maybe that is why it hurts more when those close to you try to do the same. In my opinion, forgiveness is the hardest thing to accomplish. Once you do, it is like you can finally exhale and move forward. Sometimes you have to hurt to get to the next part of your life plan. You have to forgive, you have to move forward, and at the end of the day, you are going to have to fight. And unlike those who chose to tear people down to get to where they are…you will be stronger. And I will be your biggest fan.

That’s what I live for.

Screen Shot 2018-05-22 at 10.02.52 PM
29 Who Shine State Award / Most supportive professor, Virginia

I am fine with awards. Those show that people are recognizing the work you have put in, the amount of yourself you have given to a cause, and ensure that you are being appreciated for all that you have done. Certainly, it is about time that Women of Color start being recognized for all that they have actually been doing for years.

I am fine with recognition. It is nice to know that people are seeing all that I have put my heart into, understand that I am not just doing this just to do it, but I am doing it to make the lives of those who look like me significantly better than what I have had, what my mother has had, what grandmother has had, and more. Continuing the work of my ancestors, gaining the courage to act against racial oppression in whichever way possible, and wholeheartedly understanding that people are always going to tell me that I can’t, but that only motivates me to show them that oh, in fact, I can. And I’ll do it significantly better than they assumed I would.

But for me, it’s not about the awards. It’s not about winning. Those aren’t important factors for me, although I am so grateful for the recognition of being able to represent girls of color and have them see me and realize they are able to do that as well. It’s about the individual lives I have learned that I have touched. It’s about seeing a student at the beginning of the year, learning about them, understanding their past, relating with their oppression, and challenging them to help them understand that the sky is not their limit. It’s about hearing at the end of the year, “Tasia, watching you has only made me want to do more. I did not think I would complete high school and I did, and seeing you has definitely made me want to push to complete college.”

That’s what I live for.

DOolX6EWsAEe9oA
NASPA REGION I – State and Regional Award / Most supportive supervisor, Marcie

I graduated from Framingham State University. If you would have told me I would be graduating from a college that I became a Front Desk Attendant at the tutoring center, Orientation Leader, Foundations Peer Mentor, Resident Assistant, Administrative Resident Assistant, Student Admissions Representative, Supplemental Instructor, Sexual Harassment and Education Prevention Student Liaison Facilitator, Managing Editor and Public Affairs Intern for the Council on Contemporary Families with published work, a phenomenal woman nomination (Thank you, Bailey!), and left with two state awards, and a regional award later… I would have told you that you were the biggest liar in the world. I would have denied what you were saying, minimized my potential, and told you that you have the wrong girl. But now, looking back on all of my accomplishments, I can literally say, “girl, you did that.” That was all me. And of course, those who supported me along the way. Those who believed in me regardless of my skin color, disregarded the stereotypes forced upon me, dismissed the negative ideas related to being a Black woman, and allowed for me to shine in any way that I wanted to.

That’s what I live for.

I chose to surround myself with people who were fully aware of the issues I face, wanted to support me, and were entirely there for me throughout the entire process. Although not everyone was there for me since day one, like Marcie, or Amanda, Brandi, or even Virginia, and plenty more — the moments that they were there for me made all of the difference. It was about being able to go to them just to talk about my feelings, voice my concerns, when I needed reminders that I was capable, and being 100% and authentically myself with them. Finding people that I did not have to pretend in front of.

I was used to pretending… putting on my “professional” voice, sitting cross-legged, ensuring that my outfit was just the right bit loose and not too tight or revealing because the way people saw me cause of my skin color changed even how I dressed. I had to make sure that I looked professional every day, smiled lots so people wouldn’t be scared around me, and made sure I spoke with the most light-hearted voice I could. But when you find the right people, you do not have to pretend around them.

It took me a whole year to find my people, to move forward with my passions, and to fit where I felt I belonged.

It was my second year of college that had changed everything. After a break up, a few weeks of crying, and a few moments of “who the hell am I?”  I battled with feeling confident on some days and ready to the crumble the next. Something about being extremely independent is that I never would allow people to help me.  I wanted to take things on myself, handle every situation that brought me into emotional turmoil behind closed doors, and I never wanted to say no. Having six jobs during my second year of college, I felt as though it was time for me to say yes to help and no to things I could not do. With all of the twists that came my way in sophomore year, I still remained on top. I graduated, didn’t I? With a 3.7 overall GPA and 3.9 in my major.

32130523_10214011468254636_8131925017630867456_n
A gift from the staff I supervised

The world does not want Black women to be confident, to share their successes, to be recognized, but I will repeat myself time and time again. With the amount of external forces trying to push me down, the negative words I was hearing about me from others or sometimes even directly, White men being angry and claiming that “I get everything,” when in fact I have worked tirelessly to get to where I am now, remaining calm in the face of injustices happening around me that I always took personally, balancing 6 jobs, academics, a social life, and wanting to be the biggest supporter for others: I did it.  And I’m not finished yet.

I may have done this in the traditional four years. However, something that I want you all to take note of is the fact that it does not matter how you do it or how long it takes you to do it. If it takes you longer, that does not mean you failed. At least you did it. You had the support system to get you there, the mind-set to believe in yourself (and it is okay that on some days, you do not feel like you believe in yourself. Turn to your friends, your family, and those who are true to you on those days. Those who make you feel empowered and who remind you who you are. You are not weak when you get help, acknowledging your vulnerable moments and taking care of yourself is the strongest thing you can do), and you have had the resilience to keep persisting. When you feel like stopping, when you feel like you are doing everything wrong, when you feel tired, take a break, heal, and start over again.

Because even in this world full of injustice, full of systems that want you to fail, you are doing it.

And watching you, helping you rise, and supporting you throughout your success, however you measure it…

That’s what I live for. 

33114972_10214092375797274_8189832446775132160_n
Graduation Day: Major in Sociology and Minor in Criminology with a 3.7 GPA, published work, and so much more determination.

An Open Letter: To The Black Girls Who Always Said I Was “Too White”

Black girls at my school always thought I was too White to be a part of their groups… that I acted White.

What the heck did that even mean?

When I looked down at my skin, saw how people stared at me in shopping malls, stopped me in Walmart due to the fact they believed I was stealing, how people talked to me in the classroom, treated me on school grounds… I have been pretty certain that I have been Black my whole entire life.

But why wasn’t I the “right type” of Black?  

These girls were preaching about checking in on each other, ensuring that we are all one, saying that we need to stand by each other but growing up in Amherst with my skin… it left me feeling like an outcast both in Amherst and in Framingham.

I remember the names I would get called when I was younger. People told me I was an “o r e o ” since I was White on the inside and Black on the outside…and this gracefully carried over into college when people would tell me, “you’re not like other black girls! you’re different!” and me analyzing every curl of their lips when they stated things like that. I still think about when I would preach about unity and although I understand when I say, “white people” I am not specifically talking about individual white people—this is all one big systemic issue. If you’re reading this, read it with the mindset that white privilege is real, America is constantly comparing my beauty standards to those who are white, and those with lighter skin- in any race- get some benefits compared to those with darker skin.

But something that always tugged at me was the fact that some Black girls, including those of darker complexion, wouldn’t include me in their conversations. I did not “act” how they wanted me to, I came from a predominately white town so I guess I must not be Black.

However, some folks who were white made me fully aware of my Blackness.

This is why, to this day, it still strikes me when Black girls do not want to support other Black girls. I mean, I get it. You are not going to like everybody. But society has already taken the Black woman’s body, coerced others to see it as irregular and grotesque, created an idea for communities to see it as animalistic and aggressive, all while continuously sexualizing it.  Black women’s’ bodies are already being compared to what is seen as beautiful– white bodies. However, times are changing. Having traditionally Black features on a lighter skinned woman tends to be more attractive currently. If people are already comparing us to White women, why can’t us Black women just love each other? Love each others looks, each others talents, and each others successes.

When I see any Black girl making moves, winning awards, starting her own business, getting a promotion, I am standing bright-eyed and loud-mouthed screaming for her because she is making history.

If the world is already breaking down Black women, why are other Black women joining in? 

People tend to forget that we all come from different backgrounds. We grew up in different places, lived through a plethora of different experiences, and those experiences shaped us to act in our own personal ways. Hopefully, we are all fully aware of that. I’m in awe that people are capable of excluding those who do not fit their standard definition of a “Black girl.” We are all focused on being the most “woke” that sometimes we forget about the real issues. We see the police brutality, we understand mass incarceration, we relate with young girls getting pulled out of school for their braids or their gorgeous locs, and on social media we support those who are going through these incidents. We create hashtags, we have protests, we acknowledge their pain, and we all become vulnerable together.

I just hope when people say we are “one,” they mean it. After the protests, the club meetings, and the community conversations. Forget that she acts, “too white” because there’s 100% chance she needs just as much support as you do, a 100% chance she wants to support your goals, your ambitions, your shining future, and there is a 100% chance she is going through the exact same oppression you’re facing.

There is also a 100% chance she wants to fight it with you. Her acting whatever you declare as “white” doesn’t change her skin tone.

Sisterhood isn’t anything without the support and most definitely, without the love—from every sister.

First year Experience + Finding Peace

Freshman year / Move-in Day

I remember move-in day like it was yesterday. My mom cried the whole hour and half ride there, there was stress oozing from everyone in the car, and I recall how big the Framingham State sign looked when I pulled up. As soon as I saw the sign, I remember thinking back to when this journey had started. I had gone to one information session at my high school, talked to Meri, the admissions recruiter, and scheduled my visit. I went on a tour with my mother, had an amazing tour guide named Gris, and knew this was where I wanted to be: Framingham State University.

A distinct story my mom always likes to tell is that she remembered the exact moment she felt as though I would end up at FSU. She knew this when we were driving away from the school after our tour and she had looked back through her mirror in the car and saw the Framingham State sign getting farther away.  She would revisit that sign in her head until I had gotten my acceptance letter in the mail within the following weeks.

I won’t lie; I questioned my capabilities as soon as I got to FSU.  How could I not? I was surrounded by white faces and found myself proving myself to a lot of people every day. I was the spokesperson for all of the Black community and although of course, that should upset me, it does… I felt as though I had to be.  Not because I owed it to those who were asking, but because it took me a while to understand that maybe these folks I have been in contact with hadn’t learned about these micro-aggressions they were saying day in and day out. I came in as a sociology major because I knew I wanted to fight injustice every single day, but I had forgotten how it starts with the little things: educating those who say hurtful things but they are meaning well. I knew never to blame these people, they were simply just unaware.  Being honest, it did upset me in the beginning and to this day, it still does. However, I have chosen to take those feelings and enact change moving forward. Instead of sitting in my anger, why not write about these issues, bring them to the forefront, but also correct those who are standing right in front of me? Although it is not the job of people of color to educate and give people resources, I battled with being a well-behaved woman of color my freshman year but also wanting to help those who needed the push towards understanding inequality, racism, and so many other issues.

No change can be produced if you are remaining comfortable. If you stay silent, you are condoning what is being said.

In the beginning of my first year, I would let small things slide but they would stir inside of me. I would think about them for days and no one around me truly knew what I was handling. If one of my friends at the time had said something pertaining to communities of color, used the term “ghetto,” or whispered the word “B L A C K ” to me as if it was a bad term—I questioned all of those things, mentally. But I did not want to be seen as the First-year who had a “big mouth.” Or again, as the “angry Black woman,” because…typical, right? I wanted to fit in… but why was I choosing to fit in with people who only made me feel bad about myself?

I’m sorry that I do not recall when it clicked, but I remember I had finally had enough. I remember finding the strength in questioning what someone had said outwardly to help them at least think about what they had said, and why it was problematic. “What do you mean when you use the term ghetto? What’s the picture you have in your mind when you say that?” and later, after they said their follow up, I would say, “you know, some people actually live in those low-income communities that you are making seem like a bad thing. Do you think they wanted to struggle like that?” Allowing them to process my answer, maybe they would say something along the lines of “oh I didn’t think of it like that,” or “Okay Tasia! I get it!” With that, I always wanted to ask a follow up question, do you though? Since I am a Black woman, the amount of people who perceived me (and continue to do so) as being aggressive was excessive. Although I was just trying to have a casual conversation, I would hear later people reiterating the story saying that I was aggressive, I was mean, and I was hostile… What did my first year of college do to my confidence? How did it damaged my self-esteem? How did it alter how I saw myself, my Black community, and those who I chose to hang around with?

You choose the energy you want to be around. You actively make that choice every single day. Are you going to be around energy that makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you question if you truly are friends, etc.?

When I had attempted every day to light the fire of knowledge in everyone else, it was me in the end that had been burned. I had realized I needed a new energy. One I could be proud of, one that built me up, one that recognized my capabilities, supported me, and understood what it was like to be a person of color walking in this world. I did not want just the understanding of it; I wanted those around me who felt it with me every single day.

My understanding bestfriend \ his graduation

My first year was about chances. Your first year is about risks. I had spent so long believing I should be ashamed of who I was, clubs that focused on POC’s, and talking about these issues. Your first year is not about fitting in it is about speaking out. The value of entering college is that you are meeting a variety of people, shoved into one place, and I promise you, you do not have to like everybody.  Ultimately, you should be surrounding yourself with people you truly love and those who truly love you. I understand how hard it is to go to a new environment while being Black. Worrying about what will be said to you, the looks you will get, the demeaning and condescending words you might receive, but at the end of the day you will find people who will believe in you. You have to look, make the effort, step out of your comfort zone, and create a space full of positivity with people who accept you.

But also, ensure that you are accepting you. You are capable. It may take a while to learn that and some days, even in my senior year currently, I am walking the shaky edge of “I can do this” and “am I even made for this?” But when I look back on who I was and who I am now, although still passionate about the things I have been passionate about for years, that has not changed, I have learned not to compete with those around me. I compete with who I was yesterday.

I have found peace in that, and so will you.

And I Am Doing This For You

First and Foremost, I have never really had a blog. I mean, unless if you count Tumblr. But this is a blog where I want to do all of my writing. I want to document the opportunities, the experiences, the conversations I have because some of them I can’t put on video– but I always want to have record of them.

This blog isn’t for me. I’ll make that clear now. However, I have just said that I want to be able to document these things so there’s a record of them…but I want there to be record for those who look like me and are thinking about pursuing the path I am. Currently, I am focused on Higher Education and Student Affairs. I want students who look like me flourish, radiate confidence, and be recognized as the strong leaders they are capable of being. Those who are doubted, questioned by those around them, and denied opportunities because of their skin color. I want to let those students know, I feel for you, I am living like you, and I am doing this for you.

This began with a conversation with the Director of Residence Life, Glenn. Although he may have no idea I am writing this or beginning this because of the talk we had, the importance of intersectionality was vibrant in our conversation. He, a generation one student and me, a Black, generation one, woman. Although we both carry varying identities, we could collab on one thing: being a generation one student is hard. But we’re capable.

Imposter syndrome is defined as “a psychological pattern in which people doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent, often internalized fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud.'” Let me tell you, I have woken up and sat in classes feeling like that for the past four years. On some days, of course I knew I was where I was supposed to be. Speaking about injustices in the classroom, learning about our immoral justice system, comprehending that everyone comes from different walks of life and brings a different perspective to every table I have ever sat at– but the days where it got extremely hard, where I felt the doubt circulating around me I needed an out. So I found creating.

Although this may feel like a shameless plug, I started my own YouTube channel in hopes to reach young, Black, and growing intellects around the United States. Although it focuses on social issues unravelling in our society, there’s an aspect of it that is focused on pure life. Vlogs showing my happiest of moments and perhaps it’s possible that I will have not-so happy moments. But that’s the beauty of it because something that has been robbed of Black Women in the world we live in, is their ability to express their emotions without being harshly judged. Why is it every time I am upset, I am the “angry Black woman”? And even if I am an angry Black woman, who are you tell me I do not have the right to be?

Ultimately, I am excited, I am scared, anxious, worried, but fascinated with the idea that life is going to take me in some direction that it believes I am prepared for. I am going to challenge myself and I am going to do something absolutely revolutionary. Something that our society has been fighting for Black women not to do: I am going to believe in myself.

 

And I’m doing this for you.